I've been complimented a few times recently by people who are impressed with the way I've handled what we've been through this summer/fall and while I am thankful to hear that, I get frustrated with myself because sometimes I feel that it's a lie. There have been some amazing people who have shared their stories with me and for those who have gone through this and for all those who may experience it, I want to be completely real about the struggle that I've faced and the wall that I've hit recently. It came later than I thought it would. The worst part of this whole ordeal was the initial shock and disappointment of the news on August 12th - a day that provides such raw memories that I hope dissipate sooner rather than later. But my strength has faded and frustration has infiltrated my typical optimistic paradigm.
The trigger has been hard to clearly identify but has been surfaced by the emotional hit of the financial hit of both surgeries and all of the follow-up appointments related to my complications. Our total bill has increased to over $16,000 and while we don't have to pay all of it, my frustration and pain has been brought back with each bill I receive in the mail. I've started avoiding my PO box, actually. I just wish I could deny this part of it. For those who know me well, know that I really don't like spending money. And to think that we don't get anything in return on this major investment has made it extremely difficult for me to willingly swallow. And of course I know it is what it is and we don't have a choice - plenty of people have felt the need to remind me of that. But unfortunately that spirit doesn't help. I've entered the 'being mad about this' stage and I can't deny it. It is an emotion that is rare in my world of feelings. Usually I'd turn to running to release some of my frustration and bitterness but that, too, has become a frustrating piece of this puzzle. During my pregnancy, I was so nauseous that I couldn't work out at all. And post- both surgeries, I have now been given the 'okay' to work out again but my body is clearly angry about what it has been through. I am so out of shape that I can hardly jog 10 minutes without being out of breath. So frustrating - especially considering the last time I ran before I was pregnant, I ran 26.2 miles and loved it. The very thing that has once been my release has become my antagonist. And in this novel that I hope eventually reaches its happy ending, I find myself angry that my miscarriage set me back physically, too.
The good thing is - I know it is temporary and if I continue to work at it, eventually I will get back into shape and running will find its way back into my stress-reducing routine. But for now, as I fight through it each time, I am reminded how frustrating and disappointing this experience has been. So for those who find understanding and empathy in what we've been through, I have learned that this is more of a roller coaster than I once thought. It's okay to feel okay at times, but know there may be times when it's also okay to be mad. Or frustrated. Or bitter. Or whatever.
I am very blessed and know that this, too, shall pass. But for now, my search continues for a release that is therapeutic. And I'm okay with feeling not okay right now.
The trigger has been hard to clearly identify but has been surfaced by the emotional hit of the financial hit of both surgeries and all of the follow-up appointments related to my complications. Our total bill has increased to over $16,000 and while we don't have to pay all of it, my frustration and pain has been brought back with each bill I receive in the mail. I've started avoiding my PO box, actually. I just wish I could deny this part of it. For those who know me well, know that I really don't like spending money. And to think that we don't get anything in return on this major investment has made it extremely difficult for me to willingly swallow. And of course I know it is what it is and we don't have a choice - plenty of people have felt the need to remind me of that. But unfortunately that spirit doesn't help. I've entered the 'being mad about this' stage and I can't deny it. It is an emotion that is rare in my world of feelings. Usually I'd turn to running to release some of my frustration and bitterness but that, too, has become a frustrating piece of this puzzle. During my pregnancy, I was so nauseous that I couldn't work out at all. And post- both surgeries, I have now been given the 'okay' to work out again but my body is clearly angry about what it has been through. I am so out of shape that I can hardly jog 10 minutes without being out of breath. So frustrating - especially considering the last time I ran before I was pregnant, I ran 26.2 miles and loved it. The very thing that has once been my release has become my antagonist. And in this novel that I hope eventually reaches its happy ending, I find myself angry that my miscarriage set me back physically, too.
The good thing is - I know it is temporary and if I continue to work at it, eventually I will get back into shape and running will find its way back into my stress-reducing routine. But for now, as I fight through it each time, I am reminded how frustrating and disappointing this experience has been. So for those who find understanding and empathy in what we've been through, I have learned that this is more of a roller coaster than I once thought. It's okay to feel okay at times, but know there may be times when it's also okay to be mad. Or frustrated. Or bitter. Or whatever.
I am very blessed and know that this, too, shall pass. But for now, my search continues for a release that is therapeutic. And I'm okay with feeling not okay right now.
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