PROUD NOT PERFECT

This is for my students who have lovingly criticized my shortcomings, which only they have labeled as 'wisdom', and so falsely called me out as perfect. I make mistakes on an hourly basis and I even fail on a regular one. I am happy today not because I've been happy always but because I am happy to be where I am. I have adopted my Dad's saying 'perfection is out, compromise is in' not because I've wanted to, but because I've needed to. There is always more to the story and here is a piece of mine.

After years of deliberation, my jury has finally reached a verdict.

Since going off to college, I've been pretty intentional about slightly avoiding my past. I keep in contact with very select people from my hometown and have often decided against things that would put me in places where I'd be subjected to people I used to know. I've gone out of my way to avoid many things - and people - related to the version of myself I'm least proud of. It has taken me years to get to this place and many times along the way I was sure it would come to a mistrial and that I would continue to have the perspective that encouraged my avoidance.

Recently, I was having a pretty serious heart-to-heart with one of my students and he asked me, "Ali, why is it that you always seem to make the right decision? Really, what is the worst thing you've ever done?" But just because he gets to see a really good version of me much more than the lesser versions, doesn't mean I want to deny who and where I've been. My memory was flooded with the versions of myself I'm not unconditionally proud of. Most of them are related to my teenage years as many people could probably understand. "Oh, I've made plenty of poor decisions" I told him. But he pressed on, "like what?" Although plenty of specific examples came to mind, I spoke generally about times when I chose myself over others and moments I was unable to maturely manage my emotions - sometimes publicly. Two of the characteristics of a former version of myself I would like to remain as 'former'. I realized that I still had some pain around some of the decisions I made or the ways I represented myself and I have continued to shut out certain parts of my past to avoid facing them. At the same time, I've stored them all away so neatly in folders as evidence in this trial I have brought against myself. A trial of shame for all the poor decisions I've made. I realized recently that although I may be guilty of those things, I am so happy I've been less-than-stellar versions of myself because they are the catalysts that fuel me to be the best version now. I offer my advice to others - mostly my students because they ask me for it - based not on the things I've learned from Counseling or Psychology textbooks, but from my own experiences and actions. I know how to choose right because I learned first how to choose wrong.

I have come to a place where I can drop the charges and put the trial to rest so that I can appreciate where and who I have been for who it has shaped me to be. Although there are moments I wish I could undo certain things, I'm grateful for the difficult times in my life and for even the 'worst' versions of myself because they have shown me who I truly want to be.

I feel incredibly blessed for those times. The difficult times of shame, guilt and even grief. I believe in a loving God who does not abandon and because of that faith, I have the grace to appreciate the things I've done and the things I've failed to do. Even more so, I appreciate the struggles I've faced that were not of my own doing. I have learned the greatest lesson from these moments. I have chosen to resign from putting my past on trial so that I can honor what it has given me. This liberation has healed me as I've chosen to accept and honor it.

I will begin to make efforts to seize avoidance of the people and places I used to know. I will be proud of who I am now and the imperfections that define me.