GOD IS EVERYWHERE

I am quickly approaching the two year anniversary of my time in Haiti (June 2010) and it's been on my heart and mind a lot lately.  Once in a while, typically when I'm by myself, I'll pick up my journal from Haiti and re-read some of the entries from my trip - most of which I've never shared with anyone. I like to remember everything - the moments, smells, sounds, tastes, feelings, emotions - everything. And as time continues to fly by, I find myself becoming unacquainted with many of my memories.  I guess one of the best parts about ink is that while it may fade, it rarely disappears, giving us the chance to revisit the moments we've crafted into stories.

This time, I don't know exactly what inspired me to pick up my Haiti journal. I wasn't on an organizing spree, I wasn't packing to move or doing anything that I typically do when I come across it. I guess I just needed a reminder of why my experiences have been written in stone in my heart. God has an incredible way of working in my life and I came across an entry that spoke to a recent conversation I've been having lately about faith. So, I wanted to share this experience from my trip that I haven't yet and explain how it has continued to broaden my perspective. I hope you can feel even a sliver of what this experience felt like for me. 

June 12, 2010

It has been a steady stream of internal tears today. It's that lump in my throat that hasn't evolved into the salty kind that are shed. But it is a sadness that is internally overwhelming. I am so ashamed to admit that I have been questioning whether or not God is here. I have seen things that I might never be able to explain or express to anyone that hasn't seen it with their own eyes. A devastation that doesn't have words. An unfair, living disaster. As I may have already mentioned, evidence of 'belief' in God is everywhere - written on the Tap Taps [Haitian Taxis], expressed through the smiles and innocence of the children, painted in murals...it really is everywhere you look. But seriously, I am so mad that God would allow this to happen to these people. They are incredible. If I can only take away one thing from this experience it is the Haitian spirit. It comes with this unconditional joy that you cannot create, you just have it or you don't. And I haven't met many Haitians who lack it. I hope that it rubs off on me. So, why? WHY have you allowed this to happen, Lord? I don't understand. These are good people. Why doesn't anyone else seem as mad as I am? Is it because they don't truly believe in you? How can You reconcile this with them? I can't...and I don't even live it every day. Show me, Lord. 

That was a Saturday afternoon. I remember exactly where I was sitting when I wrote that. And I remember exactly how that lump felt. And what transpired the next day was nothing less than an answer from God to the questions I wildly and angrily threw at Him. This was my entry from Sunday afternoon...almost 24 later. 

A beautiful sculpture in the middle of downtown. (Not a church)

June 13th, 2010

Wow. I'm speechless. So I am going to write this instead. Or at least try. I had no idea when I woke up this morning that I would feel this way right now. Hours ago, I woke up to the sun and the sound of little kids laughing as they chased their soccer ball around the dirt. I climbed over Bonnie and out our tent. I grabbed my tooth brush, paste and bottle of water to brush my teeth. I awkwardly exchanged smiles and 'good morning's with Tyler as his mouth was full of soapy bristles, too. We laughed. And drooled. And laughed again. As I returned to our tent, Shannon, Emma, and Bonnie were rising and getting ready for church. One of the gentlemen who has been helping us translate in our missions asked if we wanted to join him. He is super great and we were all excited to see what it was like. What we just experienced was incredible. I don't even know where to begin. 

It took us about an hour to walk to the church. And it's hot today. Like hot hot.  As we arrived, I didn't even realize we had made it. From the outside, it looked nothing like a church. I don't know what I was expecting, but whatever it was, I wasn't expecting that. We went down three dirt steps and entered the open-air room. The first thing that hit me was how amazing everyone looked. It was more than just what they were wearing but that is what struck me right away. The men were in suits, many of which didn't match, and the ladies were wearing their nicest dresses. But their clothes were SO clean! It was amazing. I don't know how they do that!! But more importantly than their bright whites, everyone looked amazingly happy. God filled, happy. It was as if they were completely oblivious to the realities that surrounded us for those moments. It was pure joy at the most authentic level - a kind of joy I've never seen. And after awhile, I realized that they weren't oblivious at all. They knew exactly what was happening out the door and up those three steps. But they were still joyful to have this time to praise God. 

The three hour service was in Creole but I heard every word. And despite our language barrier, I felt EVERYTHING. The joy. The hope. The love. The thanks. Everything they felt was so clear and so strong. The way that they expressed their thanks to God is something I hope I never forget. The love and kindness they shared with one another was beautiful. Like, bring-you-to-tears-beautiful. They are truly one big family here. It's not like going to church at home where you can clearly distinguish who belongs to who. Down here, they are all one. In church, I kept seeing babies passed around among the women. They were all taking their turn, blessing the baby and showing that they would help raise and protect it.  They were nonverbally reminding one another that no matter what happens, they are in this fight together. It was amazing. I have never seen anything like it. 

I can't believe I was so angry with God yesterday because of these circumstances and here the Haitians are praising Him with all their heart. What is my problem?! The way these incredible people are able to see the light even through the darkness is inspirational. I have been forever changed by what I witnessed and realized today. I thought I came here to make a small difference but what I am figuring out is that the biggest difference being made is within me. And it is all because of these phenomenal human beings. 

God is everywhere. I was crazy for questioning whether He is here because it was just proven to me. God is IN us. He has given the people here a sense of joy that I've never seen before. I am almost ashamed to admit I've felt sorry for them because they certainly don't feel sorry for themselves. They are some of the happiest people I've ever seen. And yes, there has been tragedy here. And yes, they've felt that. But there is something spiritual going on that is beyond our capacity. God is here and it has been a life-changing experience to see it. God is everywhere. He is in us. He is around us. He is among us. He is everywhere. Even here. 

CREATED TO FLY

"Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if it's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place." Wm. Paul Young

Pain in one of those things in life that does not discriminate. And while it may be one thing we all have in common, how we get through it seems to differ. I came across this quote in the book that I'm reading and it reminded me of a couple really important lessons about pain. I hesitated sharing anything except the quote because I don't want to distract it's message but here are a few quick thoughts.

It is okay to embrace it and let it sink in for awhile. My experiences have taught me that it is so important to face it, meet it, shake it's hand and welcome it in for a little bit. Get to know it, hear where it came from and figure out the best way to show it to the door.  Pretending the wounds that it creates aren't there or aren't as deep as they truly are, only invites it to settle in for one more cup of tea and a longer stay. It is so important to allow ourselves to feel. And to acknowledge that it hurts. Sometimes real bad. But it becomes dangerous when we do not ask it to leave - when it's temporary stay becomes more of a permanent fixture in our lives.  We were created to fly. And even if it takes help from outside sources - friends, family, God, time, whatever - we will fly if we choose to. We need to feel it in order to find our ground so that we can take the leap. And as we take the leap, the pain is actually what gives us the strength to soar. Sometimes to places we never imagined.

PROUD NOT PERFECT

This is for my students who have lovingly criticized my shortcomings, which only they have labeled as 'wisdom', and so falsely called me out as perfect. I make mistakes on an hourly basis and I even fail on a regular one. I am happy today not because I've been happy always but because I am happy to be where I am. I have adopted my Dad's saying 'perfection is out, compromise is in' not because I've wanted to, but because I've needed to. There is always more to the story and here is a piece of mine.

After years of deliberation, my jury has finally reached a verdict.

Since going off to college, I've been pretty intentional about slightly avoiding my past. I keep in contact with very select people from my hometown and have often decided against things that would put me in places where I'd be subjected to people I used to know. I've gone out of my way to avoid many things - and people - related to the version of myself I'm least proud of. It has taken me years to get to this place and many times along the way I was sure it would come to a mistrial and that I would continue to have the perspective that encouraged my avoidance.

Recently, I was having a pretty serious heart-to-heart with one of my students and he asked me, "Ali, why is it that you always seem to make the right decision? Really, what is the worst thing you've ever done?" But just because he gets to see a really good version of me much more than the lesser versions, doesn't mean I want to deny who and where I've been. My memory was flooded with the versions of myself I'm not unconditionally proud of. Most of them are related to my teenage years as many people could probably understand. "Oh, I've made plenty of poor decisions" I told him. But he pressed on, "like what?" Although plenty of specific examples came to mind, I spoke generally about times when I chose myself over others and moments I was unable to maturely manage my emotions - sometimes publicly. Two of the characteristics of a former version of myself I would like to remain as 'former'. I realized that I still had some pain around some of the decisions I made or the ways I represented myself and I have continued to shut out certain parts of my past to avoid facing them. At the same time, I've stored them all away so neatly in folders as evidence in this trial I have brought against myself. A trial of shame for all the poor decisions I've made. I realized recently that although I may be guilty of those things, I am so happy I've been less-than-stellar versions of myself because they are the catalysts that fuel me to be the best version now. I offer my advice to others - mostly my students because they ask me for it - based not on the things I've learned from Counseling or Psychology textbooks, but from my own experiences and actions. I know how to choose right because I learned first how to choose wrong.

I have come to a place where I can drop the charges and put the trial to rest so that I can appreciate where and who I have been for who it has shaped me to be. Although there are moments I wish I could undo certain things, I'm grateful for the difficult times in my life and for even the 'worst' versions of myself because they have shown me who I truly want to be.

I feel incredibly blessed for those times. The difficult times of shame, guilt and even grief. I believe in a loving God who does not abandon and because of that faith, I have the grace to appreciate the things I've done and the things I've failed to do. Even more so, I appreciate the struggles I've faced that were not of my own doing. I have learned the greatest lesson from these moments. I have chosen to resign from putting my past on trial so that I can honor what it has given me. This liberation has healed me as I've chosen to accept and honor it.

I will begin to make efforts to seize avoidance of the people and places I used to know. I will be proud of who I am now and the imperfections that define me. 

Nate

As my past and present collided last weekend, I was reminded of some incredibly important people in my life and I'd like to tell you about one of them.

Nathan Eklund is an incredible teacher and although the formality and context in which people learn from him has changed, he has not lost the seamless way he instills understanding, inspiration, and affirmation in those around him. Nate was my high school English teacher but he has taught me so much more than English. Unless you've sat in his classroom, anxious and eager for the next sermon about existentialism or Emily Dickinson, it doesn't do him any justice to call him an ordinary teacher. We've all had plenty of ordinary teachers. Mr. Eklund, though, is extraordinary. His classroom was where my love affair with Henry David Thoreau and Edgar Lee Masters began. He also taught me about passion. But it wasn't in any textbook. It was through his actions every day when the morning class bell startled us all into focus. The passion and energy that filled our classroom when he began was the best kind of exhausting. He had a way of making even grammar lessons come to life. It was in his classroom where I was first introduced to the idea of vocation. I witnessed his testimony every day by the way he expressed his passions and shared his energy with us. I knew that someday, whatever I became, I wanted to match that passion and that enthusiasm. So, of course, I went to college to become a high school English teacher.  Four majors and six years later, I ended up with my Masters in Psychology and while I may not have a degree in English, I have been driven by the passion I learned in his classroom and am more than content with my life today.

Fast forward a few years and it's no misunderstanding why I was so giddy that Nathan, an Ole grad, showed up on my alumni-contact list for the 2012 Sophomore Retreat that I was leading. My worlds from my past and present don't often cross - somewhat intentionally - but this was an opportunity for one of my favorite people from my past to inspire the people of my present. I was jazzed. And what transpired on that Friday night at the retreat was nothing less than inspirational. The kind of inspirational that my students are continuing to process, now nearly two weeks later. It was such a honor to share Nate with my students and now they have a deeper understanding of why I am who I am today.

The evaluations asked the students if there was a particular speech that resonated with them and almost every single evaluation out of 85 said 'Nate Eklund', 'Ali's HS English teacher', or 'the cool soccer coach and guy in the band'.  I'm not surprised one bit.

I continue to hear a couple themes from Nate's speech buzzing around campus so I'd like to share them with all of you. Nate, I hope you don't mind. I know this is somewhat out of context...

1. It's not about what you do - it's about how you do it. 

Those who allowed the truth of this idea to settle in were impacted so deeply by it. As high achievers and goal-oriented, driven people, titles and recognition can become consuming. So consuming that we can often get so clouded by its smoke that we are unable to see the beauty in the work we are doing or the impact it is having.  But it truly isn't about the letters the come before or after our name or the titles we hold, it is about the way in which we do our work. Nate told us an awesome story about an extraordinary hotel shuttle driver who taught us that no job or title is too small or seemingly insignificant. We can have an impact on everyone we meet. What a powerful idea! If we strive to leave every human interaction better than we were at hello, imagine what a difference that would make.

2. We all have many different versions of ourselves. Choose the best version of yourself whenever you can. 

What a charge! This might be the single-most meaningful statement made all weekend. And considering the weekend we had, that says a lot.  This idea has been the theme of my thoughts over the last 10 days and to be completely honest, I haven't always been thrilled with my own reflection. I have come to realize that sometimes it takes a heavy amount of energy for me to be the best version of myself. There are many times I long to quietly go about my day, almost as if I were invisible. But in my extroverted field, I'm forced out of my comfortable shell quite often. It continues to be a challenge for me as I strive to find a balance between all the different versions of myself, but specifically the inner self that longs to remain unnoticed. But I've realized that to go unnoticed is to resign to status quo and when I choose status quo, I do not leave every interaction better because I avoid them instead.  What I love most about this concept, though, is that it is a reminder that each day we are presented with endless decisions about which self to choose. How we react when accidents happen or tragedies strike, what we say to and how we greet people, how we treat one another in routine moments, each interaction, we get to choose how we leave our mark on others. And my hope is that the more we choose the best version of ourselves, the more it will become routine, no longer making it easy to resign to our own versions of status quo.

I certainly didn't need this retreat to kindle my memory as to how much Nate has influenced my journey but I sure appreciate the striking reminder. It has reminded me how important it is to continue to thank people along the way. We are often a product of the people around us and it's important not to forget that. So, I'd like everyone to know how much I appreciate Nate's enduring example, inspiration, wisdom, guidance, reality-checks, passion and energy. One of my favorite passions in my life is my writing and he has been such a huge part of that. For so many reasons, thank you. 

The Soper Family is Expanding

Minnesota Family and Maternity Photography

Meet the Sopers! They are wonderful people, getting ready to add another little man to their clan.
Here are a few of my favorites from their shoot. They are so good lookin', they made it awfully easy. :)

Quo Vadis

I cannot put my mind and heart to rest. I am still whirling from this weekend's 2012 Sophomore Retreat.

I am elated beyond words. It was a weekend filled with stories and testimonies that inspire you to suck the marrow out of life in ways our daily routines sometimes force us to ignore. I truly can't describe the feeling that comes from the satisfaction of experiencing something beyond your greatest expectations. Especially after something you've poured your heart into with intentionality and thoughtfulness. As I process through the incredible weekend, I want to share some of the inspirations that were shared with us by all of the people who made the retreat immensely meaningful. 

Quo Vadis is Latin for the phrase 'where are you going?'. It is a retreat for sophomores to take a step away from campus to talk about vocation and to think about some of the big questions in life. Questions like...

What am I living for?

What do I really want to become?

How do I live a 'good life'?

Are my actions a reflection of my values?

How do I work towards something if I don't know where I'm heading?

How much is enough?

Am I lovable?

Why is suffering so pervasive?

What is society asking of me? What is my family asking or expecting of me?

What pressures do I put on myself? 

When do I feel most alive?

Will what I'm studying make a difference?

How am I complicit in patterns of injustice?

Is there a 'master plan'?

What constitutes meaningful work?

Does my job/career need to be meaningful to me?

These are only a few examples of the questions students posed this weekend. There was nothing light and fluffy about the 28-hours we spent together. It was intense. It was beautiful. The thoughtfulness filled the room just as smoke fills an enclosed room of flames. It became pervasive in the neatest way. And as the weekend went along, it became thicker and thicker, until it engulfed everyone in its beautiful fury. 

The weekend was broken down into sessions and organized by themes. We talked about preparing to journey, we posed the big questions facing us individually and collectively, we explored the meaning and depth of vocation, we discussed how to be the best version of ourselves by identifying our strengths, passions and choices, we debated the phenomenon of community and how we fit into this world both on a micro- and macro-level, we talked about the importance of meaningful relationships, shared the difficulties associated with decision-making, welcomed alumni and heard about their experiences post-St. Olaf, resigned to the idea that success is difficult to define, shared ideas about how to embrace adversity and unexpected events, and affirmed the fact that this vocational discovery is a journey. A journey that perhaps does not have a destination associated with it. All in 28-hours. It was incredible. 

After 28-hours of rich conversation, I find it nearly impossible to summarize in one entry. So I am not going to try. Instead, I am going to post a series of entries in the next two weeks or so, sharing some of the themes of the retreat and the incredible messages I took away from the weekend, many of which I am attempting to apply to my everyday life.  I think I'll start where we started the retreat on Friday night: big questions and the philosophy of vocation. 

One. Discovering and exercising our vocation is a journey.  A journey that doesn't always have a destination.  The 'destination' - or answers to the big questions about how to find joy and meaning in life - is actually embedded in the adventure itself.  So, we must resign to the strict pattern of searching for answers and find peace in the exploration. It is within the exploration that we will not begin to answer the questions, but we begin to live out the answers. We must let go of our focus on the outcome so that we can allow ourselves to be shaped by the process. Let us not be consumed by the plans we make for our lives that we are unable to appreciate each step of the journey. Yes! Fires me up. :)  

Just a few pictures from the weekend...

The welcome crew!

The BIG QUESTIONS our students were pondering. 

Singing UM YA YA with the alumns. :) 

Small Group pride!

What a great looking group of Oles. They rocked.