embrace the awkward

I have had so many wonderful people message me in support of our grieving and as I've mentioned in previous entires, I have loved connecting with those people. Sometimes it's hard to explain - even to myself - how meaningful connections can be that are made via the internet. There are strangers that I've never met (and may never meet) whom have shared their story with me and continue to read my blog regularly. It's incredible, really. And most of the time, the messages I receive and the words of encouragement people share with me in person are helpful. But once in awhile, people say things that I just wish they didn't say...and I hope they never repeat, out loud. Or ever, really.

I know it is with the best intentions that people try to make my pain go away or to comfort me in a situation that is highly uncomfortable. And I know that dealing with loss, pain, and grief is hard for people. It is one of those awkward, uncomfortable topics that we don't ever learn to manage very efficiently or effectively. But what I've learned throughout all of this is that awkward is okay. Not knowing what to say or saying anything at all is sometimes best. There is no magic formula for grief. There is nothing anyone can say that can make it feel any better or hurry the happiness. It takes time. I have really good days and I have really tough days. But what I really want is to be understood and accepted on both the good days and the bad. The times that have been most difficult are those when I've been told how I should feel or what I should do. But to truly be understood and accepted would elicit no instruction from anyone. To be listened to, understood and accepted for whatever place I'm in is the best 'advice' I could ever receive.

This can be really hard for the 'fixers' of the world. You know who I'm talking about. Maybe you're one of them. They are great for coming up with solutions and making situations better. But grief is not a problem with a solution that can be brainstormed and implemented. Over the last six months - both strangers and people really close to me - have given me 'instructions' in order to fill the awkward silence that grief makes so stuffy. "Just relax." "Try not to focus on it as much." "Don't rush trying for another baby." "Maybe you shouldn't run so much." "You should move on because as soon as you do, it will all work out - that was the case for my friend who lost her baby." Those are REAL, exact instructions that people have shared with me. And it's all because they just didn't know what to say. But maybe we should give ourselves permission to say nothing in that moment. Silence is sometimes the most powerful support you can offer. The more you get to know it, the less awkward it can become.

So this is my sincere plea to all those trying to support someone - take a breath, embrace the awkward, seek to understand and find a way to accept both the good and the bad. I promise it is better than saying something you wish you hadn't.

I am so incredibly grateful for the support I've received and I pray that we continue to support one another in ways that allow us to face the challenges that meet us. So thank you. Genuinely.