the seasons are changing

My tea is brewing. My socks are snug. The chilly air is coming in through our window. The seasons are changing and I can't help but think it represents a change for me as well.

The last few months have been every kind of complicated. My summer of morning sickness turned into heartbreak which led us down a path full of twists and turns we weren't expecting. When we learned of our miscarriage, we were given a couple of options. I was told we could wait it out and naturally let my body respond or we could choose the D & C, which is the surgical procedure to remove the baby and pregnancy tissue. The first option came with a lot of unknowns - when it would happen, what it would be like, how it would feel, how much bleeding would occur, etc. - followed by an expected trip to the ER to make sure I was okay. The second option - the surgery - was considered routine, more controlled, and preferred for the type of girl hates surprises and unknowns (cough, cough). In hopes of getting this behind us the fastest and partially in fear of the waiting for a major unknown, we chose the D & C. After the surgery, I was told it would be only a matter of days until I could start running and most of my pregnancy symptoms would subside. Relief for better days set in.

Days turned into weeks and I was enduring what the doctors explained to me as the characteristics of the first option - the unknown, scary one that I didn't want to experience. And for sake of trying to hold on to some dignity throughout all of this, I will just say that there was a lot of bleeding and I saw things I wish I'd never seen. -- I went through both options - the unknown and uncontrollable natural disposal, ER visits, the surgery, more dr. visits, and countless pelvic exams. And along this path of heartbreak that I was dying to get off, we met another twist. I had to repeat the surgery because it didn't work the first time. I had my second D & C the other day and for the first time in nearly 4 months I am feeling a true sense of relief. A relief not just for better days to come, but for a new path full of great days, not just better ones.

And as the fall shows us that it is near, I have hope that we are entering a new season in our lives - full of new days and new joys.

As the time passes and my signs of pregnancy fade, it becomes more and more clear to me what I have gained from this experience despite our bitter loss. I have gained a sense of peace knowing that I am not in control. And no matter how hard I tried to do everything right - both in my pregnancy and in my recovery - sometimes the outcome is out of my control. All I can do is hope and pray that God's will is our way. And this time, it wasn't. 

I am stronger for having gone through this. I am stronger individually and I am stronger in my marriage and in my family. I wouldn't give that back to have never gone through this. Weird to say and even worse to believe.  I've always felt a bit awkward about my middle name being Strong but I have never been more proud of it today.

I know that my grieving is not over. It has only been one day that I've felt better than I have in the last 4 months. I will continue to grieve as I am reminded by little things that may seem small but make a big difference in my heart. I will grieve again when I come across the cards, books, and vitamins I've tucked away out of site. I will grieve again when Valentine's Day comes around and our lives were supposed to change forever. I continue to grieve when I see my friends and all the people around me go through the miracle of pregnancy and parenthood. But the thing I've had the hardest time grieving is the joy and excitement that this experience has stolen from me. I will approach my next pregnancy differently - with a much more reserved and tentative heart. The joy of finding out will be different because of this heartbreak. But I hope and pray every day that eventually that will fade and this will become a distant memory, overshadowed by the miracle we will someday hold in our arms and love instantly.

Until then, I appreciate this change in seasons and I embrace all that is has to offer.

Thank you for the continuous support we've received in so many ways - flowers and cards, date nights, keeping me company when I wasn't allowed to work, stepping up for me both at work and at home, bringing me Cheetos, sitting through countless pelvic exams (Mikey), and endless encouragement...for all the ways I've felt supported, thank you.