This is a very personal and difficult post so please be warned and don't continue if you aren't up for some difficult words...
I wish I was going to wake up from this nightmare. But instead, I am facing the harsh reality that one moment at a time it is all settling in and becoming overly clear that this indeed happening. Last night as I lay in bed, desperately trying to fall asleep, I kept trying to reason with myself saying that 'if I just fall asleep then maybe I really will wake up and this will all just be a terrible dream'. But unfortunately that isn't the case and here we are today, facing the truth and the difficult journey ahead.
We walked into our 13-week prenatal appointment yesterday with this glimmer in our spirit that only expecting parents can recognize. You can see it as you look around the room at all of the other moms waiting for their name to be called so that they, too, can be reassured that everything is okay. We waited for our name to be called and were unprepared for what the next three hours brought us.
It became very stale in the room as more and more time passed without hearing the unmistakable washing machine sound that is the heartbeat. It was as if time stopped but at the same time, we'd been waiting forever to hear it. The stale feeling became more than just the feeling in the room and slowly sank into the pit of my stomach. You know that look on someone else's face when they have awful news or information that they really don't want to have to deliver. I've been there so I know that face. It is a terrible face. And she was wearing it.
We were sent upstairs to do further, more invasive testing but they all yielded the same results. It feels like the worst sense of defeat you could ever imagine. I sat, completely still, as the last three months flooded me. 'What did I eat or drink that I wasn't supposed to? Did I run too much? Not enough? I don't even like fish that much so it can't be that. How are we possibly going to tell people? What is Mike thinking right now? Is this really happening to us? We are young, this isn't supposed to happen to us.'
I was unprepared for this. I am still unprepared for this. The last three months have been extremely difficult. I know that there are a handful of women who would laugh and tell me they had it so much worse, but I wasn't prepared for all that we endured just in the first three months. And I was just starting the turn the corner of the first trimester with so much hope that the nausea, vomiting, heartburn, dizziness, fatigue, and lack of interest in anything sweet was fading and becoming a distant memory overshadowed by the joy of getting closer to February to meet our Valentine. But now our journey to February will be quite different. Our plans for the next year have been turned upside down and we must face each milestone with courage and a new perspective.
We are grieving so much disappointment right now. A disappointment that is so new to me, it is taking awhile to get to know. I've disappointed myself or been disappointed at various times in my life but this feeling doesn't even compare to what I'm feeling now. It's hard to imagine ever wanting to go through this again. Most women talk about how wonderful being pregnant was because they have a beautiful baby to hold, making it awfully easy to forget the disgusting first three months. But it makes it a bit more difficult to imagine wanting to do this again when we are trying to hold our hearts and each other together.
One thing has been abundantly clear to me though. I could not imagine doing this or wanting to do this with anyone other than Mike. He has been an absolute rock star since the day we found out we were expecting and he continues to be the most loving, supportive person in my life. I don't want to imagine doing ANYTHING without him.
We are very thankful for the support we've received and all the messages of comfort and prayer. We are trying to be strong because of all the wonderful people around us. So, thank you.
It helps more than you'd know to hear other people have gone through what we are going though - which is a major reason why the overly-private me is sharing this. Thank you to those who have shared their story with us and given us a reason to have hope.
I wish I was going to wake up from this nightmare. But instead, I am facing the harsh reality that one moment at a time it is all settling in and becoming overly clear that this indeed happening. Last night as I lay in bed, desperately trying to fall asleep, I kept trying to reason with myself saying that 'if I just fall asleep then maybe I really will wake up and this will all just be a terrible dream'. But unfortunately that isn't the case and here we are today, facing the truth and the difficult journey ahead.
We walked into our 13-week prenatal appointment yesterday with this glimmer in our spirit that only expecting parents can recognize. You can see it as you look around the room at all of the other moms waiting for their name to be called so that they, too, can be reassured that everything is okay. We waited for our name to be called and were unprepared for what the next three hours brought us.
It became very stale in the room as more and more time passed without hearing the unmistakable washing machine sound that is the heartbeat. It was as if time stopped but at the same time, we'd been waiting forever to hear it. The stale feeling became more than just the feeling in the room and slowly sank into the pit of my stomach. You know that look on someone else's face when they have awful news or information that they really don't want to have to deliver. I've been there so I know that face. It is a terrible face. And she was wearing it.
We were sent upstairs to do further, more invasive testing but they all yielded the same results. It feels like the worst sense of defeat you could ever imagine. I sat, completely still, as the last three months flooded me. 'What did I eat or drink that I wasn't supposed to? Did I run too much? Not enough? I don't even like fish that much so it can't be that. How are we possibly going to tell people? What is Mike thinking right now? Is this really happening to us? We are young, this isn't supposed to happen to us.'
I was unprepared for this. I am still unprepared for this. The last three months have been extremely difficult. I know that there are a handful of women who would laugh and tell me they had it so much worse, but I wasn't prepared for all that we endured just in the first three months. And I was just starting the turn the corner of the first trimester with so much hope that the nausea, vomiting, heartburn, dizziness, fatigue, and lack of interest in anything sweet was fading and becoming a distant memory overshadowed by the joy of getting closer to February to meet our Valentine. But now our journey to February will be quite different. Our plans for the next year have been turned upside down and we must face each milestone with courage and a new perspective.
We are grieving so much disappointment right now. A disappointment that is so new to me, it is taking awhile to get to know. I've disappointed myself or been disappointed at various times in my life but this feeling doesn't even compare to what I'm feeling now. It's hard to imagine ever wanting to go through this again. Most women talk about how wonderful being pregnant was because they have a beautiful baby to hold, making it awfully easy to forget the disgusting first three months. But it makes it a bit more difficult to imagine wanting to do this again when we are trying to hold our hearts and each other together.
One thing has been abundantly clear to me though. I could not imagine doing this or wanting to do this with anyone other than Mike. He has been an absolute rock star since the day we found out we were expecting and he continues to be the most loving, supportive person in my life. I don't want to imagine doing ANYTHING without him.
We are very thankful for the support we've received and all the messages of comfort and prayer. We are trying to be strong because of all the wonderful people around us. So, thank you.
It helps more than you'd know to hear other people have gone through what we are going though - which is a major reason why the overly-private me is sharing this. Thank you to those who have shared their story with us and given us a reason to have hope.
I love you both so very much
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