Inspiration

I hope we never have to go through what we just went through ever again. Don't get me wrong. The pain and disappointment at times has been unbearable. But the positive impacts we've seen come out of this have been the rays of hope and sunshine after an awful storm. We were reminded what truly matters to us. It isn't what kind of car we drive or whether or not the Vikings win this week - it is about never letting a moment go by that we don't pour our heart and soul into. And that looks different all the time. Sometimes we are lounging around watching the movie we rented from the redbox and it's not about trying to find inspiration in that moment, but it's about making that moment matter - enjoying each other's company, embracing the time we have to sit still and appreciating the opportunities that are waiting for us on the other side.  It isn't necessarily about what you are doing, it's about how you are doing it and who you are doing it with.

Not that I had forgotten, but I was reminded how much I want to share every milestone with Mike - even the heartbreaking ones. And since our heartbreak, we've had so many amazing people in our lives reach out to add some fun into our world. And despite the circumstances, we've succeeded. We've had some quality time with some of the most important people in our lives and for that we are extremely grateful.

This experience has also reminded us to not give up. We've heard from so many people who have gone through similar circumstances and it has been inspiring to hear about the people who overcome this heartbreak even after going through it multiple times. It scares me to death to think about this happening again but the hope of what could be makes me want to take the chance. Good things don't just usually happen - we make them happen and we are gathering the strength to face the potential that lies ahead of us.

I want to genuinely thank those who have shared their stories - or even reactions to our story - with us. I've gathered strength from each of you and I cannot express how much it has helped. One of the things that someone shared with me was something I thought I'd share with everyone. I don't think it'll need an explanation as it pretty much speaks for itself...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cM5A1K6TxxM

Life is about going after what you want. We want to be parents and I want to see my husband be an incredible dad. We aren't going to let this fall stop us.

Putting the pieces back together

The worst is behind us, they say. And I'm hoping they're right. 

It doesn't make it hurt any less but I'm glad to say that the surgery is behind us and I'm hoping to begin to find the pieces so we can put them back together. It was almost too much to take in as we drove home to Northfield this afternoon. There was a really dark cloud directly above us that was sprinkling just enough to notice it's splash on the windshield.  But ahead of us was blue sky and beautiful big white clouds. You  know, the ones you imagine shapes and animals among. It was almost as if we were getting through the worst of it and heading towards the light - as if the light was going to bring us healing. But as I sat in the car with my eyes full of tears, I believed it.  And I am hopeful that we are moving towards the healing phase. 

It was a rough morning preparing for surgery. I hate pity and everyone was wearing it. Of all the doctors and nurses who came in to prep me, start my IV, take my blood, check my vitals, make me sign the consent forms, ask me questions and keep me company, not one came into the room without the most awful aura of pity surrounding them.  I think it would have taken just one more person to walk through the door with that look on their face and I would have lost it. I was trying my hardest to think about other things and forget why we were doing this, and they weren't helping. Bless their sweet souls, I am happy they were nice to me. I just hate pity. 

I kept it together until after I came out of surgery.  I remember waking up to one of the nurses ripping off one of my heart monitors from my chest and it was the most awful shock. It hurt. And it hurt enough to wake me up enough to remember exactly what I was doing there. I don't know why it happened then but the emotion of everything up to that point caught up with me and I wept quietly in my recovery room for a long time. I remember hearing one of the nurses tell another one that she thought it was time to let my family come in to be with me. And it wasn't a minute later and there they were. 

The recovery has been much more emotional than physical.  My body is doing what the medication is telling it to do. If only my spirit had some kind of medication to follow its directions. But there is a sense of relief that the physical part is all over and it's time to heal.

Time is the only thing they say will help. But I've found a lot of comfort in hearing from people who have had similar experiences. I think those people have forced me to move beyond questioning what I did to cause this and to realize we don't always have control over what happens even when we're doing everything right in the drivers seat. I worry about what February will bring when our lives were supposed to change forever. And I worry a bit about how it will feel to pass certain mile markers in the next year that were going to be much different than they are now. My birthday, Mother's Day, our family trip to Russia...we've imagined a year of events filled with the giggles of our little Valentine. But I know we must move on. I'm not sure what it will look like, how we'll feel or what our year will bring but I am happy we have each other and I am going to be okay with that for now.

We have a little angel watching over us now.  We're heartbroken we never got to meet him but we'll hold him in our hearts forever.

We cannot thank our parents, families, and friends enough for their undying love and support. We could not get through this any of this without you and we appreciate it more than we'll ever be able to express.

Unprepared

This is a very personal and difficult post so please be warned and don't continue if you aren't up for some difficult words...

I wish I was going to wake up from this nightmare. But instead, I am facing the harsh reality that one moment at a time it is all settling in and becoming overly clear that this indeed happening. Last night as I lay in bed, desperately trying to fall asleep, I kept trying to reason with myself saying that 'if I just fall asleep then maybe I really will wake up and this will all just be a terrible dream'. But unfortunately that isn't the case and here we are today, facing the truth and the difficult journey ahead.

We walked into our 13-week prenatal appointment yesterday with this glimmer in our spirit that only expecting parents can recognize. You can see it as you look around the room at all of the other moms waiting for their name to be called so that they, too, can be reassured that everything is okay.  We waited for our name to be called and were unprepared for what the next three hours brought us.

It became very stale in the room as more and more time passed without hearing the unmistakable washing machine sound that is the heartbeat. It was as if time stopped but at the same time, we'd been waiting forever to hear it. The stale feeling became more than just the feeling in the room and slowly sank into the pit of my stomach. You know that look on someone else's face when they have awful news or information that they really don't want to have to deliver. I've been there so I know that face. It is a terrible face. And she was wearing it.

We were sent upstairs to do further, more invasive testing but they all yielded the same results. It feels like the worst sense of defeat you could ever imagine. I sat, completely still, as the last three months flooded me. 'What did I eat or drink that I wasn't supposed to? Did I run too much? Not enough? I don't even like fish that much so it can't be that. How are we possibly going to tell people? What is Mike thinking right now? Is this really happening to us? We are young, this isn't supposed to happen to us.' 


I was unprepared for this. I am still unprepared for this. The last three months have been extremely difficult. I know that there are a handful of women who would laugh and tell me they had it so much worse, but I wasn't prepared for all that we endured just in the first three months. And I was just starting the turn the corner of the first trimester with so much hope that the nausea, vomiting, heartburn, dizziness, fatigue, and lack of interest in anything sweet was fading and becoming a distant memory overshadowed by the joy of getting closer to February to meet our Valentine. But now our journey to February will be quite different. Our plans for the next year have been turned upside down and we must face each milestone with courage and a new perspective.

We are grieving so much disappointment right now. A disappointment that is so new to me, it is taking awhile to get to know. I've disappointed myself or been disappointed at various times in my life but this feeling doesn't even compare to what I'm feeling now. It's hard to imagine ever wanting to go through this again. Most women talk about how wonderful being pregnant was because they have a beautiful baby to hold, making it awfully easy to forget the disgusting first three months. But it makes it a bit more difficult to  imagine wanting to do this again when we are trying to hold our hearts and each other together.

One thing has been abundantly clear to me though. I could not imagine doing this or wanting to do this with anyone other than Mike. He has been an absolute rock star since the day we found out we were expecting and he continues to be the most loving, supportive person in my life. I don't want to imagine doing ANYTHING without him.

We are very thankful for the support we've received and all the messages of comfort and prayer. We are trying to be strong because of all the wonderful people around us. So, thank you.

It helps more than you'd know to hear other people have gone through what we are going though - which is a major reason why the overly-private me is sharing this. Thank you to those who have shared their story with us and given us a reason to have hope.

Kayla + Andrew

Today marks the beginning of an incredibly exciting journey for two very dear friends of mine.  I had the pleasure of spending the afternoon shooting Kayla and Andrew only minutes after Andrew popped the question. You can clearly see how happy these two people make each other so I will let the pictures do the rest of the talking...

Thank you guys for letting me be a part of this very special day. :)

 Congratulations you guys. I am so excited for all that is ahead of you! :)